David Sanchez, from Strike Out Against Drugs, begins a
presentation in which he soon
introduces me to speak in front of a group of kids.
Me speaking about my own addiction
at a summer program in East LA,
www.strikeoutagainstdrugs.com
"This is the only problem that I know, the only disease that I know, that you have to TALK your way through and out of." - Gary, from Alcoholics Anonymous
One of the most effective ways for me to help myself with my alcoholism is to speak in public about it.
I first learned to do this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Later, when I sought more intense help, I learned to speak out in group settings in rehab.
Usually, opportunities to speak out in front of a group of people have been brief because I've been in a group setting where everyone needs a chance to speak. The time limitations have been considerably short - no more than five minutes at the most.
This all changed for me when David Sanchez, Creator and Director of Strike Out Against Drugs, asked me to speak in the drug education presentations that he has created.
Speaking out about alcoholism or any other drug addiction takes courage. Alcohol is a drug and there does not need to be any distinction from it and other drugs. I make sure that I get that point across when I speak in front of a group of people, regardless of their ages, because many people tend to put alcohol in another category since it is legal and generally not considered a "hard drug." In my experience and in others' as well, alcohol can be highly fatal. I'm not only considering drunk driving and drunk-related accidents, but the risk of dying from alcohol withdrawals.
To the addict, anything that he is addicted to has a problem behind it. "Drugs are not the problem," an addiction counselor once said in front of a group; "the problem is the problem."
It is one thing to speak honestly about my drug use, and another thing to speak about my reasons for using drugs.
I have to go back in my memory to the first drink that I ever took. For me, it helps to go even further back to the first drink that I saw anyone take. In my case, I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and I was present at a very early age among relatives that drank a lot at family gatherings.
My father was an alcoholic who abused my mother physically by hitting her and abused her verbally by insulting her and constantly bringing up paranoid suspicions. He never laid a hand on me or insulted me, but he just wasn't there for me. I felt neglected in many ways, and I knew that I was missing that father figure in my life.
He was at home at night and on the weekends, but he preferred to drink by himself in the backyard or in the garage somewhere. In the back patio of our home, he had a refrigerator to himself that was full of beer, and he used to hide bottles of alcohol around the house and in the garage.
I've spoken in front of groups of young kids about him and I've asked by a show of hands for them to say if they can relate, and many hands have gone up.
The age group of the first few groups of kids that I spoke to was in the pre-teen range, but one day David asked me to speak at a high school and my message changed. The things that I spoke about and my delivery of these experiences and themes became extra personal, emotional, and mature to the teens.
I talked about college and early professional experiences, freelance work, and adult achievements as well as adult problems. I also talked about love, relationships, dreams, and personal goals. I was honest with them about my struggles not only with alcohol but with pressures and stress throughout my life.
It was necessary for me to explain my own confusion that I felt having to see myself as an alcoholic who was out of control, and now in his 40's was waiting impatiently in front of liquor stores to open at six in the morning and ending up in hospitals because of alcohol withdrawals.
No matter how much or how little planning I make when I prepare for a presentation, I let myself go with my emotions and speak fearlessly about the memories and about my current state of clarity and the return to a healthy, rational, and happy life.
There is a release and always a chance for further self-awareness and understanding when speaking out loud about my alcoholism and the problems behind it.
It helps to hear David talk about his own experiences. When he mentions being a young awkward boy who got beat up by his older brothers, it reminds me of how I was awkward and bullied as a boy, and it makes it easier for me to speak in front of the group about how that affected me.
My father was not present in my life to teach me how to fight or how to defend myself. By the time that I reached high school, I learned to avoid getting picked on by fitting in with the party crowds that drank and smoked weed and tried all kinds of drugs. At first it was a way to protect myself, and then it was the way that I learned to have fun; but without realizing it at the time, it was also a way that I was becoming accustomed to escaping my problems.
During these teenage high school years, I always achieved and maintained high grades. Drugs seemed harmless, but the truth is that I was developing a dependency to them that allowed me to physically feel better and to escape problems that I otherwise did not know how to deal with.
I didn't think that I had anyone who I could talk to about insecurities and I didn't think about building relationships with people who I could trust about problems such as the violence between my mother and father at home.
In these presentations with the teen audience, I urged them to have each other's backs, to be supportive, and to learn to trust the adults in their own lives who they could really talk to.
"Who in this classroom has dreams?" I asked, and many hands went up. I told them that I had dreams too and that despite the opportunities that I've been blessed with in the past and despite the skills and talents that I am capable of today, and despite my struggles with addiction and all of those complications, I believe that I can do something new and something meaningful that makes money for my survival and for my enjoyment.
"What are your dreams today?" asked a young girl who sat in the middle of the classroom. I looked her in the eyes and paused for a second and then I said, "I want to go back to New York and write books."
I'll never forget how her face lit up and how she smiled.
