Speaking About Addiction

David Sanchez, from Strike Out Against Drugs, begins a

 presentation in which he soon

introduces me to speak in front of a group of kids.

Me speaking about my own addiction

at a summer program in East LA,

www.strikeoutagainstdrugs.com

"This is the only problem that I know, the only disease that I know, that you have to TALK your way through and out of." - Gary, from Alcoholics Anonymous

One of the most effective ways for me to help myself with my alcoholism is to speak in public about it.

I first learned to do this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Later, when I sought more intense help, I learned to speak out in group settings in rehab.

Usually, opportunities to speak out in front of a group of people have been brief because I've been in a group setting where everyone needs a chance to speak. The time limitations have been considerably short - no more than five minutes at the most.

This all changed for me when David Sanchez, Creator and Director of Strike Out Against Drugs, asked me to speak in the drug education presentations that he has created.

Speaking out about alcoholism or any other drug addiction takes courage. Alcohol is a drug and there does not need to be any distinction from it and other drugs. I make sure that I get that point across when I speak in front of a group of people, regardless of their ages, because many people tend to put alcohol in another category since it is legal and generally not considered a "hard drug." In my experience and in others' as well, alcohol can be highly fatal. I'm not only considering drunk driving and drunk-related accidents, but the risk of dying from alcohol withdrawals.

To the addict, anything that he is addicted to has a problem behind it. "Drugs are not the problem," an addiction counselor once said in front of a group; "the problem is the problem."

It is one thing to speak honestly about my drug use, and another thing to speak about my reasons for using drugs.

I have to go back in my memory to the first drink that I ever took. For me, it helps to go even further back to the first drink that I saw anyone take. In my case, I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and I was present at a very early age among relatives that drank a lot at family gatherings.

My father was an alcoholic who abused my mother physically by hitting her and abused her verbally by insulting her and constantly bringing up paranoid suspicions. He never laid a hand on me or insulted me, but he just wasn't there for me. I felt neglected in many ways, and I knew that I was missing that father figure in my life.

He was at home at night and on the weekends, but he preferred to drink by himself in the backyard or in the garage somewhere. In the back patio of our home, he had a refrigerator to himself that was full of beer, and he used to hide bottles of alcohol around the house and in the garage.

I've spoken in front of groups of young kids about him and I've asked by a show of hands for them to say if they can relate, and many hands have gone up.

The age group of the first few groups of kids that I spoke to was in the pre-teen range, but one day David asked me to speak at a high school and my message changed. The things that I spoke about and my delivery of these experiences and themes became extra personal, emotional, and mature to the teens.

I talked about college and early professional experiences, freelance work, and adult achievements as well as adult problems. I also talked about love, relationships, dreams, and personal goals. I was honest with them about my struggles not only with alcohol but with pressures and stress throughout my life. 

It was necessary for me to explain my own confusion that I felt having to see myself as an alcoholic who was out of control, and now in his 40's was waiting impatiently in front of liquor stores to open at six in the morning and ending up in hospitals because of alcohol withdrawals.

No matter how much or how little planning I make when I prepare for a presentation, I let myself go with my emotions and speak fearlessly about the memories and about my current state of clarity and the return to a healthy, rational, and happy life.

There is a release and always a chance for further self-awareness and understanding when speaking out loud about my alcoholism and the problems behind it.

It helps to hear David talk about his own experiences. When he mentions being a young awkward boy who got beat up by his older brothers, it reminds me of how I was awkward and bullied as a boy, and it makes it easier for me to speak in front of the group about how that affected me.

My father was not present in my life to teach me how to fight or how to defend myself. By the time that I reached high school, I learned to avoid getting picked on by fitting in with the party crowds that drank and smoked weed and tried all kinds of drugs. At first it was a way to protect myself, and then it was the way that I learned to have fun; but without realizing it at the time, it was also a way that I was becoming accustomed to escaping my problems. 

During these teenage high school years, I always achieved and maintained high grades. Drugs seemed harmless, but the truth is that I was developing a dependency to them that allowed me to physically feel better and to escape problems that I otherwise did not know how to deal with.

I didn't think that I had anyone who I could talk to about insecurities and I didn't think about building relationships with people who I could trust about problems such as the violence between my mother and father at home.

In these presentations with the teen audience, I urged them to have each other's backs, to be supportive, and to learn to trust the adults in their own lives who they could really talk to.

"Who in this classroom has dreams?" I asked, and many hands went up. I told them that I had dreams too and that despite the opportunities that I've been blessed with in the past and despite the skills and talents that I am capable of today, and despite my struggles with addiction and all of those complications, I believe that I can do something new and something meaningful that makes money for my survival and for my enjoyment.

"What are your dreams today?" asked a young girl who sat in the middle of the classroom. I looked her in the eyes and paused for a second and then I said, "I want to go back to New York and write books."

I'll never forget how her face lit up and how she smiled.

Considering a Drug and Alcohol Counselor Job

What influences or motivates people to become a drug and alcohol counselor? In an even broader sense, what calls anyone to become a therapist?

One hopes that a genuine concern for people's mental and emotional well-being is an important factor in the decision to work in these fields of psychology. The drug and alcohol counselors who I have met have dealt with their own addictions in the past. It's not a requirement, but I have been far more comfortable with addiction counselors knowing that they understand addiction because they have experienced it themselves. I think that many people who decide to become addiction counselors have undergone treatment for their own addictions and have been inspired by those counselors and therapists and professionals in those fields who have helped them.

In my last blog about cooking at several drug and alcohol treatment centers and a post-treatment/sober living facility, I mentioned how I started to become motivated to become a drug and alcohol counselor. It could simply be a matter of being a familiar face in the kitchen who is around to talk to, or perhaps some of the people in these places have trusted me with their own problems and secrets because they have seen me as a person who looks out for them and shows some concern, at least with their meals; it may be that I am a genuinely trustworthy guy who avoids gossip, can be a good listener, and isn't afraid to relate with my own personal stories and my own real opinions - whatever the reasons may be, and despite the very small amount of time that I have sober, I have been approached by people in this way that is similar to the way that a counselor is approached.

"You weren't sent here just to cook," a manager at a treatment center in South Central LA told me. "You are one of those lights that is bright enough to attract people, but not too bright to scare them away." I came to him, a bit freaked out, because several men at that particular rehab were coming to me with some very heavy burdens, past and present, and telling me about some of the anger and depression and triggers that set they struggled with everyday. They didn't just shoot the shit with me, they got deep, and I couldn't ignore them or pretend that I could not relate, so I listened and when it seemed like the right thing to do, I shared about my own struggles and my own ways of coping and understanding back to them.

One young guy who had just spent five years in prison and who was getting high while in the treatment center began hanging around the kitchen while I was in there working - at first, just helping out; and then later, opening up to me about his personal life, and especially the anger issues that he constantly dealt with. He slipped me a note during a group meeting that said, "I need help to stop using." Without ever having a conversation about it, he began calling me his sponsor and telling the managers that he was doing something about his problems by having me as his sponsor.

So I began to consider getting certified as a drug and alcohol counselor. This is not a position that ever appealed to me and neither did a career as a therapist or as anything in that area of psychology. I never thought that I had the patience or the genuine compassion to help others in that way.

When I first sought treatment, I caught a glimpse of the whole variety of messed up people that were in rehab and in post-rehab sober living, and I thought that the drug and alcohol counselor job would be a nightmare. I didn't even like to participate in groups or really talk to anyone at all. I wanted to stay low-key.

It took time to really see that I had what it takes to at least be a good listener. It took some time after that to let go of any judgments or reservations and really open myself up to the idea of helping other addicts with counseling. However, after the significant changes that have occurred in this line of work after 2017 because of the Medi-Cal takeover of many drug and alcohol treatment centers, I have to really consider what the job requires a person to do these days.

As an example, I will use the treatment centers in Los Angeles formally owned and operated by the Mary-Lind Foundation. The four rehabs are named Royal Palms, near downtown LA, Bimini House, in Koreatown/Hollywood, Rena B, also in Koreatown/Hollywood, and Omni, in El monte.

I have mentioned in past blogs that treatment at these facilities and many others that are not part of the Mary-Lind family used to last for over six months - sometimes eight months, sometimes up to 12 and more; and these facilities offered extended stays after treatment in order for former patients to transition back into society.

Under the new Medi-Cal guidelines that came about because of Obama's Affordable Care Act, drug and alcohol treatment became regulated to a 60-day stay with a 30-day extension if the patient were to qualify. I've mentioned the awkward pressure and assumptions that this has had on myself and on many other patients. Questions come up similar to these: "Should I be noticeably better in 3 months?" or "What if I don't sober up in 3 months?" or "Am I an even bigger failure if I don't fix this problem in 3 months?" It can be confusing, aggravating, and scary for the patient.

The new changes that occurred towards the end of 2017 also strongly affected the treatment center staff and administration, and especially the counselors. Counselors are certified and trained to work with participants in treatment who try to understand their own addictions. Through well-prepared group sessions, scheduled one-on-one sessions, and door open policy "on - the - fly" sessions, they possess and constantly gain experience in dealing with groups and individuals on a very sensitive level.

However, Medi-Cal, governed by the State Department of Health, now requires counselors in these facilities that it has taken over to account for every patient in treatment with vast amounts of standardized reports. Under the government regulated procedures, new software has been introduced to these treatment centers where forms with required fields need to be filled in upon each participant's admission and throughout his or her treatment.

Today, much of a drug and alcohol counselor's time is spent in a lot of data entry and clerical tasks instead of any applicable addiction theory and practice earned through certification, degree program, and field experience. Because of the extra office work, counselors don't have the same amount of time that they used to have to address groups or individuals. During a patient's 30 or 60 day stay, counselors are only expected to meet with them once a week; that's a total of eight, or maybe 12 meetings total to get to know their patients' individual needs, form and follow an individualized treatment plan, and be available to help them through the often confusing experiences of self-awareness in regards to addiction and the transitioning back into society.

One counselor at Rena B, a treatment center formally operated by Mary Lind Foundation and now under the State of California's Department of Health's, Social Model Recovery Systems, Inc., told me that it was "too bad" that he didn't have the time that he would like to have to spend with his patients. I have heard counselor's make comments like, "Okay, let's get through this," when they have had to fill out certain reports and ask standardized questions. The same counselor at Rena B told me that reports needed to be filled out after each one-on-one session and that all of these extra data entry tasks took up a lot of his workday.

So regardless of my ability to lend an ear and begin to relate to people in treatment in a way closer to that of a counselor, I have to truly consider how much time I would enjoy and get any sense of fulfillment from by punching buttons on my keyboard, filling out and filing standardized forms that sound desensitizing and impersonal in a very human line of work.