Speaking About Addiction

David Sanchez, from Strike Out Against Drugs, begins a

 presentation in which he soon

introduces me to speak in front of a group of kids.

Me speaking about my own addiction

at a summer program in East LA,

www.strikeoutagainstdrugs.com

"This is the only problem that I know, the only disease that I know, that you have to TALK your way through and out of." - Gary, from Alcoholics Anonymous

One of the most effective ways for me to help myself with my alcoholism is to speak in public about it.

I first learned to do this at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Later, when I sought more intense help, I learned to speak out in group settings in rehab.

Usually, opportunities to speak out in front of a group of people have been brief because I've been in a group setting where everyone needs a chance to speak. The time limitations have been considerably short - no more than five minutes at the most.

This all changed for me when David Sanchez, Creator and Director of Strike Out Against Drugs, asked me to speak in the drug education presentations that he has created.

Speaking out about alcoholism or any other drug addiction takes courage. Alcohol is a drug and there does not need to be any distinction from it and other drugs. I make sure that I get that point across when I speak in front of a group of people, regardless of their ages, because many people tend to put alcohol in another category since it is legal and generally not considered a "hard drug." In my experience and in others' as well, alcohol can be highly fatal. I'm not only considering drunk driving and drunk-related accidents, but the risk of dying from alcohol withdrawals.

To the addict, anything that he is addicted to has a problem behind it. "Drugs are not the problem," an addiction counselor once said in front of a group; "the problem is the problem."

It is one thing to speak honestly about my drug use, and another thing to speak about my reasons for using drugs.

I have to go back in my memory to the first drink that I ever took. For me, it helps to go even further back to the first drink that I saw anyone take. In my case, I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and I was present at a very early age among relatives that drank a lot at family gatherings.

My father was an alcoholic who abused my mother physically by hitting her and abused her verbally by insulting her and constantly bringing up paranoid suspicions. He never laid a hand on me or insulted me, but he just wasn't there for me. I felt neglected in many ways, and I knew that I was missing that father figure in my life.

He was at home at night and on the weekends, but he preferred to drink by himself in the backyard or in the garage somewhere. In the back patio of our home, he had a refrigerator to himself that was full of beer, and he used to hide bottles of alcohol around the house and in the garage.

I've spoken in front of groups of young kids about him and I've asked by a show of hands for them to say if they can relate, and many hands have gone up.

The age group of the first few groups of kids that I spoke to was in the pre-teen range, but one day David asked me to speak at a high school and my message changed. The things that I spoke about and my delivery of these experiences and themes became extra personal, emotional, and mature to the teens.

I talked about college and early professional experiences, freelance work, and adult achievements as well as adult problems. I also talked about love, relationships, dreams, and personal goals. I was honest with them about my struggles not only with alcohol but with pressures and stress throughout my life. 

It was necessary for me to explain my own confusion that I felt having to see myself as an alcoholic who was out of control, and now in his 40's was waiting impatiently in front of liquor stores to open at six in the morning and ending up in hospitals because of alcohol withdrawals.

No matter how much or how little planning I make when I prepare for a presentation, I let myself go with my emotions and speak fearlessly about the memories and about my current state of clarity and the return to a healthy, rational, and happy life.

There is a release and always a chance for further self-awareness and understanding when speaking out loud about my alcoholism and the problems behind it.

It helps to hear David talk about his own experiences. When he mentions being a young awkward boy who got beat up by his older brothers, it reminds me of how I was awkward and bullied as a boy, and it makes it easier for me to speak in front of the group about how that affected me.

My father was not present in my life to teach me how to fight or how to defend myself. By the time that I reached high school, I learned to avoid getting picked on by fitting in with the party crowds that drank and smoked weed and tried all kinds of drugs. At first it was a way to protect myself, and then it was the way that I learned to have fun; but without realizing it at the time, it was also a way that I was becoming accustomed to escaping my problems. 

During these teenage high school years, I always achieved and maintained high grades. Drugs seemed harmless, but the truth is that I was developing a dependency to them that allowed me to physically feel better and to escape problems that I otherwise did not know how to deal with.

I didn't think that I had anyone who I could talk to about insecurities and I didn't think about building relationships with people who I could trust about problems such as the violence between my mother and father at home.

In these presentations with the teen audience, I urged them to have each other's backs, to be supportive, and to learn to trust the adults in their own lives who they could really talk to.

"Who in this classroom has dreams?" I asked, and many hands went up. I told them that I had dreams too and that despite the opportunities that I've been blessed with in the past and despite the skills and talents that I am capable of today, and despite my struggles with addiction and all of those complications, I believe that I can do something new and something meaningful that makes money for my survival and for my enjoyment.

"What are your dreams today?" asked a young girl who sat in the middle of the classroom. I looked her in the eyes and paused for a second and then I said, "I want to go back to New York and write books."

I'll never forget how her face lit up and how she smiled.

Considering a Drug and Alcohol Counselor Job

What influences or motivates people to become a drug and alcohol counselor? In an even broader sense, what calls anyone to become a therapist?

One hopes that a genuine concern for people's mental and emotional well-being is an important factor in the decision to work in these fields of psychology. The drug and alcohol counselors who I have met have dealt with their own addictions in the past. It's not a requirement, but I have been far more comfortable with addiction counselors knowing that they understand addiction because they have experienced it themselves. I think that many people who decide to become addiction counselors have undergone treatment for their own addictions and have been inspired by those counselors and therapists and professionals in those fields who have helped them.

In my last blog about cooking at several drug and alcohol treatment centers and a post-treatment/sober living facility, I mentioned how I started to become motivated to become a drug and alcohol counselor. It could simply be a matter of being a familiar face in the kitchen who is around to talk to, or perhaps some of the people in these places have trusted me with their own problems and secrets because they have seen me as a person who looks out for them and shows some concern, at least with their meals; it may be that I am a genuinely trustworthy guy who avoids gossip, can be a good listener, and isn't afraid to relate with my own personal stories and my own real opinions - whatever the reasons may be, and despite the very small amount of time that I have sober, I have been approached by people in this way that is similar to the way that a counselor is approached.

"You weren't sent here just to cook," a manager at a treatment center in South Central LA told me. "You are one of those lights that is bright enough to attract people, but not too bright to scare them away." I came to him, a bit freaked out, because several men at that particular rehab were coming to me with some very heavy burdens, past and present, and telling me about some of the anger and depression and triggers that set they struggled with everyday. They didn't just shoot the shit with me, they got deep, and I couldn't ignore them or pretend that I could not relate, so I listened and when it seemed like the right thing to do, I shared about my own struggles and my own ways of coping and understanding back to them.

One young guy who had just spent five years in prison and who was getting high while in the treatment center began hanging around the kitchen while I was in there working - at first, just helping out; and then later, opening up to me about his personal life, and especially the anger issues that he constantly dealt with. He slipped me a note during a group meeting that said, "I need help to stop using." Without ever having a conversation about it, he began calling me his sponsor and telling the managers that he was doing something about his problems by having me as his sponsor.

So I began to consider getting certified as a drug and alcohol counselor. This is not a position that ever appealed to me and neither did a career as a therapist or as anything in that area of psychology. I never thought that I had the patience or the genuine compassion to help others in that way.

When I first sought treatment, I caught a glimpse of the whole variety of messed up people that were in rehab and in post-rehab sober living, and I thought that the drug and alcohol counselor job would be a nightmare. I didn't even like to participate in groups or really talk to anyone at all. I wanted to stay low-key.

It took time to really see that I had what it takes to at least be a good listener. It took some time after that to let go of any judgments or reservations and really open myself up to the idea of helping other addicts with counseling. However, after the significant changes that have occurred in this line of work after 2017 because of the Medi-Cal takeover of many drug and alcohol treatment centers, I have to really consider what the job requires a person to do these days.

As an example, I will use the treatment centers in Los Angeles formally owned and operated by the Mary-Lind Foundation. The four rehabs are named Royal Palms, near downtown LA, Bimini House, in Koreatown/Hollywood, Rena B, also in Koreatown/Hollywood, and Omni, in El monte.

I have mentioned in past blogs that treatment at these facilities and many others that are not part of the Mary-Lind family used to last for over six months - sometimes eight months, sometimes up to 12 and more; and these facilities offered extended stays after treatment in order for former patients to transition back into society.

Under the new Medi-Cal guidelines that came about because of Obama's Affordable Care Act, drug and alcohol treatment became regulated to a 60-day stay with a 30-day extension if the patient were to qualify. I've mentioned the awkward pressure and assumptions that this has had on myself and on many other patients. Questions come up similar to these: "Should I be noticeably better in 3 months?" or "What if I don't sober up in 3 months?" or "Am I an even bigger failure if I don't fix this problem in 3 months?" It can be confusing, aggravating, and scary for the patient.

The new changes that occurred towards the end of 2017 also strongly affected the treatment center staff and administration, and especially the counselors. Counselors are certified and trained to work with participants in treatment who try to understand their own addictions. Through well-prepared group sessions, scheduled one-on-one sessions, and door open policy "on - the - fly" sessions, they possess and constantly gain experience in dealing with groups and individuals on a very sensitive level.

However, Medi-Cal, governed by the State Department of Health, now requires counselors in these facilities that it has taken over to account for every patient in treatment with vast amounts of standardized reports. Under the government regulated procedures, new software has been introduced to these treatment centers where forms with required fields need to be filled in upon each participant's admission and throughout his or her treatment.

Today, much of a drug and alcohol counselor's time is spent in a lot of data entry and clerical tasks instead of any applicable addiction theory and practice earned through certification, degree program, and field experience. Because of the extra office work, counselors don't have the same amount of time that they used to have to address groups or individuals. During a patient's 30 or 60 day stay, counselors are only expected to meet with them once a week; that's a total of eight, or maybe 12 meetings total to get to know their patients' individual needs, form and follow an individualized treatment plan, and be available to help them through the often confusing experiences of self-awareness in regards to addiction and the transitioning back into society.

One counselor at Rena B, a treatment center formally operated by Mary Lind Foundation and now under the State of California's Department of Health's, Social Model Recovery Systems, Inc., told me that it was "too bad" that he didn't have the time that he would like to have to spend with his patients. I have heard counselor's make comments like, "Okay, let's get through this," when they have had to fill out certain reports and ask standardized questions. The same counselor at Rena B told me that reports needed to be filled out after each one-on-one session and that all of these extra data entry tasks took up a lot of his workday.

So regardless of my ability to lend an ear and begin to relate to people in treatment in a way closer to that of a counselor, I have to truly consider how much time I would enjoy and get any sense of fulfillment from by punching buttons on my keyboard, filling out and filing standardized forms that sound desensitizing and impersonal in a very human line of work.

Recovery Life. Cooking at Treatment Centers

Examples of my cooking at Treatment Centers...

This blog is about how cooking became a step toward other ways of getting involved in the recovery of others.

Pan seared pork chops w Green Bean / Grits casserole and green Enchilada Sauce

Homemade Onion Rings

BBQ Ribs

I really wasn't all that surprised when some of the men at a treatment center where I cooked at began hanging around the kitchen; not to eat, but to talk to me about their problems.

There was one young man in particular who comes to mind, who began telling me about his rage and his problem with controlling his anger. He was only 25 years old and had just done 5 years in prison. He would lock himself in the bathroom just to be away from the other men in the center, who would annoy and easily irritate him. Everyone, including myself, just thought that he was in the bathroom getting high. And sometimes he was, but there was more to the story. There always is. He was actually very aware of his problem with anger and he slipped me a note during a group meeting that said, "I need help to stop using."  I only responded, "You're in the right place for now." And next thing I knew, he was calling me his sponsor.

Did I earn his trust because of cooking? Did I demonstrate that in my own simple way, through the food that I made for the house, I cared and could be trusted?

 Another guy at that same center came to my room and told me about his session with his therapist and in tears, told me about being raped as a boy and raped in prison.

The stories and problems were heavy. All I could do is listen and be someone who they could trust. It probably helped also that I shared very personal things about myself and talked as openly and honestly as I could.

Before rehab, in 2012, I did something different with my cooking skills and took them to a place in Mid City called Washington Terrace where I cooked for 20 disabled  tenants. For the first time, after already have had experience in Pasadena in great places including Alexander's Steakhouse and Green Street Restaurant and El Portal where I was first hired as a Kitchen Manager, I cooked for poor and needy people in exchange for room and board and modest wages. It was fullfilling and special because I began to get to know the patient tenants and establish distant but sympathetic friendships. It became personal and for once I did not just care to develop and show off my skills, but I truly cared about my customers and began to see them like a kind of family . The people at Washington Terrace suffered both physical and mental disabilities.

I left Washington Terrace and it closed shortly afterwards, and it was in this time that I decided to move closer to downtown and to find a job in downtown . Before returning to LA, my hometown, I spent over 10 years in New York City, and really fit in better with NyC pace and style than LA's attitude. So downtown always appealed to me and I worked for 3 of what I considered to be the most stylish and trendy of restaurants. The Stocking Frame was a restaurant that I was very proud of cooking at. It still is very fashionable and the menu is out of the ordinary and very high quality. But my life was falling apart because of my alcoholism, so I decided to try rehab.

I called a place called Bimini that was at the top of an alphabetically organized list of rehabs. Bimini belongs with a small group of treatment centers that are managed by an organization called Social Model, .Inc., which is governed by the Department of Health. Social Model sent me to a different treatment center called Royal Palms, and after a couple of screenings and interviews, I was admitted into my first rehab.

In Royal Palms, I began to get along well with the main cook there and she almost made me her assistant. I learned how to cook at a rehab and what it meant to have a food program at a rehab, where teaching addicts in recovery to eat grown up healthy meals is part of the whole business of recovery. Most addicts, when active in their using on the streets, do not care about food. In these treatment centers food isn't just something the kitchen whips up, but a means to recover physically. Patients need to be re-taught to eat again and I would have loved to have become the Chef Betty's assistant, but the 60 or 70 residents there elected me Resident Council President, and I became involved in a lot of paperwork and extra duties that came with that job.

After that 90 day treatment, I went to my first sober living home called Beacon of Hope. It was there that I really began cooking for men in recovery. At that time, Beacon had a set menu that simply rotated and rotated every week. Spaghetti on Monday, Chilli Dogs on Tuesday, Fish and Fries on Friday, etc., was how it basically went. There the kitchen counted on volunteers to cook and I jumped in right away and began to help.

Every kitchen is different and I had worked with enough different chefs in restaurants to be able to let go of my ways of doing things and respect the way the kitchen at Beacon of Hope worked. I even learned some good tricks and interesting ways of preparing meals for a large group of men such as cooking food in the food warmers and taking canned and frozen foods and spicing them up - working with whatever I had to work with, which to me wasn't much compared to the pantries and refridgerators and freezers in the restaurants that I came from.

Everyone appreciated my cooking from the start. Just like at Washington Terrace, I began to get to know the men who I was cooking for personally and it was so different than cooking expensive food for strangers. It may have been a modest menu, but it gave me another sense of accomplishment. Cooking for those in need is definitely different than cooking for those who just seek pleasure and a fun night out on the town. I took it personally and the care and attention that I put into the food came through.

At first, I worked with this basic menu, but a few months later, Beacon of Hope began to receive many donations from Vons.Though at first, most of the donations were breads and pastries, soon there was much dairy and more random foods donated. So I began to get more creative with the menu wherever I could.

The bottom line was that I was only interested in feeding these men. That's all I was caring about. It really was an unexpected opportunity for me to be of service and to help these men who were already in a down and out situation, trying to get by, and doing what they had to do to at least handle their living situation.

I did two more treatments after Royal Palms and Beacon of Hope, and I cooked at both. I gained experience cooking for a group of about 50, and it was easy and practical to me.

The gratitude and appreciation that I received was definitely a lot more apparent at these places than at any trendy or expensive restaurant. Also, the sense of purpose and fullfillment that I felt was unlike any before. I understood these people who I cooked for, and felt like I could help in their recovery.

Around August of 2019 I began researching paid salary cooking opportunities at rehabs. I applied through Social Model Inc.'s website to a treatment center in El Monte called Omni that was looking for a Kitchen Manager.

At the same time I moved to a new Sober Living home in South Central called LATC. It turned out that LATC desperately needed a cook, and I was there at the perfect time.

They were a small group of men at LATC, but their problems were so much more evident and extreme. They were the most messed up men I had ever met. The kitchen was practically non-existent because of its disorder, and they had no real cook who cared or knew what he was doing.

Though it was another volunteer position, I took it. I stood up for something that way, and it felt so good to do that- what some may call a small gesture- for others.

I cooked as best as I could with the limited pantry and supplies and everything turned out tasty and healthy always. Again, I felt that appreciation from the group of men there, but mostly it was that sense of purpose and fullfillment again that kept me going.

Soon, men there began trusting me with more than cooking. One young man asked me to sponsor him. A few others trusted me with personal problems and stories, not unlike what a drug and alcohol counselor would expect to hear.

I always said that I could never be a drug and alcohol counselor, but now I'm interested in that position and more - perhaps in a career as a therapist.

So I'm returning to school in the fall of 2020, wrapping up my Bachelor's in Communication, and going for a Master's in Psychology where I will focus on drug and alcohol counselor certification, and fullfill credits to become a therapist.

All because of cooking at these special treatment places.

Recovery Life, Mental Health intro.

Mental Health and Addiction

Geodon, generic name Ziprasodone, prescribed for symptoms of Schizophrenia. Other meds also prescribed to me for same:Seroquel XR, Zyprexa, Latuda.

Inside Hollywood Mental Health: Entrance, waiting room, Dr.'s office.

323-769-6100

1224 Vine St., Hollywood, 90038

In previous blogs about recovery life, I have written about MediCal and its recent impact on drug and alcohol treatment centers.

A little over 20 years ago, I began to suffer from what are called AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS. In common terms, this means that I began to hear things or imagine things in my mind that weren't there, and didn't seem to come from me.

It's tricky to explain. It's like having extra foreign thoughts that don't sound like your own normal thoughts, and even in a different sounding voice than your own.

This is more common than you think.

There are popular blogs about it in the NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) website right now; and there is extensive info on this in Wikipedia or in any search engine search.

Type in Schizophrenia, or Schizo-affective Disorder, or Auditory Hallucination, and you will find info.

NAMI: NAMI.org

Facebook: NAMI Mental Health Service

Doctors at mental health screenings have asked me this in the past:

"Do you hear or see things that aren't there?"

Some go as far as ask:

"Do you hear voices?"

And add:

"Do the voices tell you to hurt yourself or to hurt others?"

20 years ago I did not see a doctor, but today I do. I see a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at Hollywood Mental Health, photographed above with info.

I only began seeing this doctor (I call my psych) in 2017. 

What motivated me to seek treatment for these "Extra Thoughts," that I call them, was my experience at a drug and alcohol treatment center called Royal Palms in LA.

I didn't know anything about rehab when I decided to try it, and didn't consider how common it could be to find many people with mental disorders there.

Then, I learned that alcoholism and drug addiction is considered a mental disorder and so it is common at a rehab to learn about the disease of addiction as described and explained by different points of view.

The most common is the 12-step point of view that originated in Alcoholics Anonymous in the late 1930's.

Later, alcoholism and other addictions became acknowledged in the medical field more commonly as detox centers and treatment centers became more popular.

Hallucinations of all kinds are parts of the effects of all drugs, including alcohol; and the effects of the detoxification process when coming off many drugs.

Impaired judgement and reaction happens when people drink and use, especially excessively.

But there are long term effects that many people who have used drugs may suffer from, because drugs attack the nervous system and cause damages to brain order and functions.

The voices in people's heads, or Auditory hallucinations, or racing thoughts, reoccurring thoughts, obsessive thoughts, etc., can be common among patients at rehabs.

Also common are mood disorders such as depression, mania, violence, and more.

Many patients who I met at several treatment centers were dually diagnosed by psychiatric doctors and nurse practitioners in Mental Health Centers with addiction, or alcoholism, as well as Depression, or Anxiety, or forms of Schizophrenia.

A Dual diagnosis is common at a rehab.

In some cases, a rehab opens the possibility for discussions and support for mental disorders.

Just knowing that I was not the only person who suffered from mental and mood problems motivated me to see a doctor.

In late 2017, I researched local psychiatrists in the area that I was in, which was near downtown LA and Hollywood, who were covered by MediCal insurance.

I found a doctor on Hollywood Blvd nearby, and to my surprise, he did not screen me or even ask many questions. He had a record of me taking Zoloft for depression once while I was detoxing at a hospital, and within minutes, he prescribed me with Seraquel for the extra thoughts, and an increased dose of Zoloft, and I was out the door.

The Zoloft made me feel sped up and uncomfortable. I couldn't get used to it and it made me feel crazy so I stopped taking it and made another appointment. The Seraquel did not have any effect on the extra thoughts.

I was angry when I saw the psych again and he simply said, "If you don't want to take the Zoloft, don't take it."

And we discontinued the pill.

Soon, the office told me that he was moving to Glendale, which was far away, so I found a new doctor.

At Royal Palms, I had a roommate who also has extra thoughts, and sometimes we talked about these voices in our heads. When we did compare notes, we usually joked about it, and we shared some similarities, but in the end, both of us just wanted them gone.

He was on heavy medication and slept a lot. Many patients at Royal Palms were heavily medicated and I told myself that I didn't want that for myself.

One particular patient who was very heavily medicated needed me to escort him to Hollywood Mental Health one day, so I took him; and despite the neighborhood and location that I thought was not so safe because of many homeless camps nearby, once inside, the center was fine.

So I made an appointment with Hollywood Mental Health and it was the best decision I could have made for my own battle with my symptoms.

At my first appointment, I was pre-screened for some time and I felt like they were doing a proper job at getting to know what was going on with me.

At my second appointment I met my psych, Doreen D., who has stuck with me and done a professional and comfortable and excellent job at helping me as best as she can.

I will post more about mental health, especially the effects that Medi Cal has on it today since 2017's new regulations and practices that arose from the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. "Obamacare."

Recovery Life - The God Part

You will hear about God in recovery most of the time.

In Alcoholics Anonymous and all related 12-step groups, you will hear about Higher Power (HP).

Many people struggle with it. Many at first don't understand why there is any God business in sobriety.

As far as the 12 steps, accepting and relying on a Higher Power happens right away in steps 2 and 3.

But this is not about religion, it's about spirituality.

The image of Jesus at the beginning of this blog on is the image that I prayed to when I had my own Christ awakening.

This image is still up at a sober living home called Beacon of Hope, in L.A., near MacArthur Park - also near a rehab called Royal Palms.

Beacon of Hope:
Contact David, 323-282-0817
Royal Palms:
Contact Social Model, 626- 332-3145

I had finished my first rehab at Royal Palms and at the last minute was referred to Beacon of Hope. But at Beacon, I could not stay sober.

I could list many reasons for why I continued using, but the bottom line is that I was not ready to stop, and that I had not admitted and accepted the seriousness of my dependency on alcohol.

I was stubborn about doing it on my own, even though I had already reached out for help.

I needed something more, so when I tried to return to Social Model Recovery Systems, there was an issue regarding the amount of time that I had sober and the amount of time of detox from alcohol.

Some treatment centers and programs don't accept just anyone right away. There are centers just for detox and I will write about those as well.

I wanted to return to treatment again and Social Model mentioned that there was possibly a bed at Bimini, in Korea Town; but I was not admitted right away.

I called a social worker to advocate for me, and we were set to meet on a Friday.

The Thursday night before that meeting, Beacon of Hope had a house meeting where the general manager reminded us that we were in a faith-based program, and that faith in Jesus Christ was the way that the program went.

He also said to us, "All of you here are miracles. Something broke in your life that brought you here, and you are all miracles just to be alive and here tonight."

On Friday morning, I was up early, anxious to meet with my social worker and to hear back from Social Model.

So I got dressed and went to the public area and I picked up a Bible that was on the podium which was used at the meeting the night before.

I opened it arbitrarily and it opened to John 10; the story of The Good Shepherd. I sat down quietly and read it and I remember words coming into my mind and heart that said, "He calls you by name...He searches for the one lost sheep...He lays down his life for you...Guides you so that you may have life, and have it abundantly," and more.

And I looked up at the image of Jesus in the room and it was of Jesus with a burning heart, carrying a lamb - The Good Shepherd.

I prayed and said, "Jesus Christ, please make me a miracle. Just like you healed the blind and lame and sick, and even rose Lazarus from the dead; take away this addiction, take away this problem that is too much for me; show me where to go and what to do."

I was praying with faith and wanting what I was asking for badly because I was so tired of myself and felt so confused and lost.

How can someone as strong as myself be so helpless?
But I wasn't altogether hopeless.

And 15 minutes before my social worker came to meet me, Social Model called me and the woman who interviewed me asked me some questions.

In order to get into Bimini, I lied to her and told her what I thought she wanted to hear. But my story didn't add up and she rejected me because she found my answers to be inconsistent! She knew I was lying; and I knew that she knew, so I just stopped and told her the truth.

After I told her the whole truth about me trying at my first treatment and then relapsing at Beacon of Hope, and how badly I wanted to get in that I told her what I thought others had told me to say to guarantee that I got in, she let me in.

"I appreciate your honesty," she said, "and I have a bed for you. Be at Bimini at 9am, Monday morning."

This all awakened a connection that I wanted to have with God, but never took the time to develop.

Spirituality is a strong part of me and of many others, despite the roles we play in public for our loved ones and our social appearances and our jobs and hustles.

It's there. Spirituality is necessary and I finally woke up to that the way that I needed to, not only for my sobriety but for my age and my way of life.

I've always believed in God - it's scary to think that man is the most supreme being, and it's something inherent in our human condition, I think, to want to and to even like to believe in a greater intelligence * a higher governing force * a higher power * or as I say, God.... And I choose to relate more to the God that I was taught as a boy, but with the mind of a man now.

So I began to put my faith in Jesus Christ. I began to read His story more and more. I began to pray to Him and to think of God throughout the day.

This opened a whole other connection to other believers in  a Higher Power, especially in Jesus Christ, who chose forgiveness over misery and punishment, and chose to love and appreciate themselves as well as others.

I began to want to help myself more seriously and to appreciate being sober for the sake of being there to help others however I could.

It turned out that my cooking skills began to play a big role in that way of thinking, and I'll talk about that more soon.

Recovery Life; Beginning to "get" treatment

Typical rules at most rehabs / recovery homes / transitional centers.

socialmodelrecovery.org

(Link to Social Model; find info on Royal Palms, Bimini, Rena b, and Omni - some of the recovery homes that I refer to in these related blogs)


Continuing with more experience in my own recovery process, I learned that relapses (times when a person who is trying to stay sober picks up and uses again) are common in many men and women who make a serious effort to live drug and alcohol free.

Addiction, in a very oversimplified way, is a kind of mental conditioning / mental training, where a person comes to rely and depend on anything from a substance to an unhealthy behavior or relationship, to even a state of mind to the point where he has no control over the mental obsession and the physical demands to return and repeat, regardless of bad consequences.

It was hard to stay away from drinking, in my case. I had done much harder drugs including heroin and crystal meth and cocaine in the past, and had been able to stop.

But everyone is different, and for me, it was alcohol that my mind and body became intensely addicted to.

In the summer of 2018, I called Social Model and asked for help at one of their drug and alcohol treatment centers.

I learned that under the new Medical regulations of 2017, a person is allowed two 60-day treatments, each with a 30-day extension upon request and acceptance.

Again, I'll remind you that before 2017, treatments lasted for over 6 months easily, and many patients were granted extended stays in recovery homes.

I learned to go easy on myself for not exactly "getting it" on the first try. It wasn't easy. It wasn't something that I could just fix about myself.

At first I was very hard on myself, which only made me angrier at myself, and added to the issues that I already had which drove me to drink and stay addicted.

At the new recovery home, Bimini house, I finally began to get some real treatment and some understanding about the reasons that led me to seek that comfort in drugs and to eventually depend on alcohol.

Bimini is named after the street that it is on, Bimini Place, located in Korea Town, near Hollywood. It is a co-ed facility, though when I went through treatment there, men outnumbered women.

Aside from being co-ed, Bimini was smaller in size and employed 5 counselors for about 40 patients; as opposed to Royal Palms, the first treatment center that I went to, which employed only 2 counselors for over 60 patients.

At Bimini, I did not get involved in any extra duties at first, though after some time, I began helping out more in the kitchen.

I had been working with a therapist since 2017, and continued seeing her while at Bimini. Along with the group therapy at Bimini, and classes on Coping Skills, Relapse Prevention, Anger Management, Triggers, and more; I began to know what kind of warning signs to look out for in my thoughts and in my feelings of frustrations or sadness, in my behaviors and in more ways that I dealt with life that ultimately led me to addictive patterns.

I began opening up more to my therapist, and I began being more honest with my counselors.

I began to trust people again.

For some time, I was just overwhelming myself with my own ambitions and self-expectations. I've always pushed myself and I had to return to the source of that and many other ways of thinking and behaving that I learned from my parents as a child and from other influences growing up.

There was also the aspect of spirituality in my life, and for many, this can be very complicated.

All 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous incorporate the notion of a Higher Power to rely on in order to obtain and maintain sobriety. And like the Royal Palms, there were various 12-step meetings at Bimini every night.

It wasn't always easy for me to sit through those meetings because of my own past experiences with members of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I was able to get passed them, and pick out the things that worked for me.

So, I will write a whole separate blog about the spiritual aspect in these treatment centers and how that has or hasn't worked in my life.

I completed 45 days altogether at Bimini, and then chose to leave on my own.

I returned to the Sober living home, Beacon of Hope, but continued to Relapse and still struggled with myself.

But I learned that recovery is a very personal process, and sometimes it takes some rough relapses for some people who like myself, tend to learn some things the hard way.

My withdrawals from alcohol became more severe, hospital stays became common; I was beginning to truly see that I was fighting for my life.

But all of this was still new to me, and I was not done with my using yet. If I was ready and meant it, I believe I would have stopped with the right help.

I wasn't ready.

Lighten Up About Recovery Life

LIGHTEN UP ABOUT RECOVERY LIFE: Some humor and stories outside of the regular stuff

TV room/Meeting room at a treatment center in South Central LA

An 8-foot "Spread" - Spread is commonly cooked in prison, made of Ramen on the outside, and everything from potato chips to canned food and dressings on the inside - This one made to celebrate birthday of a counselor at a rehab in Korea Town who once did time in prison.

Me at a regular job, cooking for City Club, 51st Fl of City National Bank building DTLA

A house manager from a Sober living home, Beacon of Hope, near DTLA and MacArthur Park area, BBQing

Good cooking I do, working with the very basics, at a rehab in LA today.


So in the past posts about rehab so far, I talked about how I first got into this whole world, with no idea of what I was getting into.

When I was first admitted to the Royal Palms in late 2017, I was placed in an Intake Room with 3 other guys, before moved to a 2-man room.

In this room was Robbie; a huge, bald homie covered in tattoos; Shane - a big Irish guy; and Alex, who slept all the time. We called Alex Sleepy Hollow.

The thing is that these two other big guys and I happened to be chefs/cooks, so here we are in rehab and Robbie especially looking all hardcore, and we would be up all night talking about recipes and crazy kitchen stories and other hilarious things. We gave Robbie a porn name: Robbie Rims.

One night, Robbie says to me, "I'm going to hypnotize you." He had taken Anger Management classes in prison, and what he did to me was like a guided meditation that was really great! I've done it to other people and it's relaxing and pretty cool.

Anyhow, I did my first 90-day rehab and I was elected Resident Council President, which messed me up because those responsibilities were very distracting. But before that, I worked in the kitchen with the main cook whenever it was my turn for Kitchen Duty.

Betty was her name and she would put on her old school soul classics and we'd be singing in the kitchen preparing food, or I would be cleaning or helping serve. She trusted me.

Around that time they had hired another cook and the whole house used to say that he was on crack.
He was sketchy and he'd disappear for a while during work and looked like he needed sleep.

One morning I remember he called me over to him and pointed to the building across from ours, and asked me if I saw someone in the window looking at us! Sketchy. He didn't last too long.

There was a story that Snoop Dogg's uncle went through that rehab and donated a lot of what is the gym there. Royal Palms has a really good gym.

One of the crazy things is that despite being in this house full of men, many still coming off drugs, many with mental issues and on psych meds, and many just angry and frustrated; there were never any big fights that I remember. There were tons of jokes and maybe some hard words exchanged sometimes, which everyone ended up laughing at, but no real fights.

So I finished my 90 days at Royal Palms and went to a sober living home at the last minute, as an only transitional housing resort, called Beacon of Hope.

Again, I had no idea what I was getting into, but it made sense to go to a sober environment and stay connected to sober people before getting a normal job again and paying rent and living a regular life.

This particular sober living takes GR (General Relief) and Food Stamps as payment. They also take SSI (disability) and other forms of payment.

I mentioned to the managers that I was a cook, and very soon, I was helping out as a volunteer in that kitchen.

Some years before, I cooked at a facility for 20 disabled people called Washington Terrace, and I got a taste of using my skills for people with needs, instead of working in prestigious kitchens, looking for more money and climbing the ladder in that line of work.

So I cooked a lot at Beacon of Hope. After a while, I took over breakfast, lunch and dinner. One of the managers overlooked the kitchen and he appreciated my help and taught me a lot, just like any other chef at a restaurant could teach me. This manager makes some of the best BBQ ribs anywhere!

One thing that I learned about sober living homes is that not everyone in there is so sober. There were men, young and older, who were obviously drunk or high on something; and it wasn't easy to just get used to that at first.

Some men there didn't necessarily have an issue with drugs or alcohol, but found it cheap to live there. Some were homeless, some just wanted to save money, some didn't want to or couldn't work, etc. Men were there for different reasons.

I began to consider work and got my resume together, but I wasn't ready. Instead, I got real caught up in cooking at this sober home and at the time, there was a lot to do in order to get the kitchen in shape and maintain it. On top of that, the house was getting many donations from Vons and I was organizing everything.

I didn't think that I would end up putting Beacon of Hope on my resume, but today is, and I know that I can count on a good reference.

Despite that, it felt good to be of service and to cook in this way for people who really needed it. It was more fulfilling and personal.

Here is where I began to really change my perspective and get a new direction in my life. And that was a big part of my problem that led to my addiction in the first place.

But like I said before, I wasn't ready and I was moving too fast, trying to do too many things. I relapsed- not just once, but a few times. I had 2 seizures there because of alcohol withdrawal.

In the summer of 2018, I decided that I wanted to try rehab again. I didn't think 3 months was enough, especially when I spoke with others who told me that they went through rehab for at least 6 months.

But under the new Medical regulations of 2017, rehab treatment centers only offered 60 days with a 30 day extension if you qualify for the extension.

That's all for now.
I will keep posting about my own story, and about the state of all this recovery business as I understand it today.